He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
