well I can't set my house on fire every night
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
