I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
