My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
