i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
