Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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