Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
