I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
