I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize