Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
