Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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