Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
