The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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