i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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