Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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