so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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