he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
