that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
