It's Friday. Sex?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
