Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
