You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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