I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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