I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize