So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
