so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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