so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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