College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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