she was so not down for the gang bang
Just fell off a train. Bad.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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