i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
high people should be assigned attendants
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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