speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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