I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
