I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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