Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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