My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
