you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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