When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
