I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You're like the curious george of whores
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
