I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
