Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
