just tell him i said nine months
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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