You can't special order awesome
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
