would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
