It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
