Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
