Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
