So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
