Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Randomize
