i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Still dying that you shit outside
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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