i think my mom watched the whole time
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
