so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
