AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize