I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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