when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
