so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
