So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
