bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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