You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
